My life is crazy busy even when I don't have four kids in our home anymore.  It seems like from wake to sleep it's a lot going on and before I know it it's tomorrow.  Every weekend is planning ahead and going here and there.  All mostly good . . .but busy.

My mind is crazy non stop; My thoughts with a life of their own.  Getting control over them is work.

Life is flying by and I catch glimpses of it's speed regularly like on Marissa's birthday, when I see my nephew Jack, when I look in the mirror  , isn't it crazy how time flies?  Isn't it crazy how fast we grow and change?

My list is crazy--you know the ever growing one that I have in my mind of things to do, things to change, things to cut out of my life (but when and how?), places I'd love to go, the me I'd like to be . . .

My dreams are crazy. 

Theres one dream I can't get enough of and that is the one about our child in Africa . . . some people think that's crazy.  That's okay if they do.  I can understand how crazy it can seem to go to a far away place to make a family, a transratial one at that.  I'm in love with someone I don't know, never met, and don't even know if she's a she or he's a he.  Crazy, is it not? 

Elisha re-defined

Over the last month I’ve felt changed and like a part of me was lost and I couldn’t get it back.  I sought after solving this mystery.  I cried over it.  I battled and raged against it.  I tried filling the void with senseless feel-good things.  I questioned who I was now, if I was happy with my life, how to move on, who I wanted to be . . .

Thank God that I am a work in progress, that He gives grace in a constant flow, that He loves me undeservingly even when I don’t love Him in return, and that He is re-defining me, refining me . . .

Elisha re-discovered

I seemed to have lost my joy for life over the last year.  I was stuck in this rut of going through the motions.  My life was the same everyday for the most part.  Don’t get me wrong.  I wasn’t this depressed, woe is me person for the last year.  I felt purpose in my life and I had some joy in going through the motions.  I was abundantly rewarded this year with many sweet blessings.  I became an aunt again, I received a promotion at work and am blessed with an amazing group of women at work, I had a great support system and you my friends and family have been so patient and long suffering with me.  Thank you, truly, thank you.  What I mean by losing my joy is that I lost touch with those things that brought me joy.

So I’m discovering those things again.  I am looking for new music or the old songs that make me feel joy.  I am working out and feeling good about myself.  I am striving to be more sexy—yes I said sexy.   I dance like a fool no matter who’s around because it feels good.  I take in the world around me and capture moments on my camera or thank God for giving me that treasure.  I’ve spent a lot of time with my sister laughing and crying. I’ve dreamed of my child in Africa, I’ve dreamed of my marriage and being a mom, I’m re-discovering my connection to Jeremy and to God.  I’m giving in to being crafty and artistic and I’m letting it take over my dining room table.  I’m planning home changes like re-painting rooms and furniture . . .

Life is still confusing.  I still fail to do the right things.  I haven’t fully surrendered.  I haven’t arrived and don’t plan on arriving in this life.  But for now I’m re-defining and discovering Elisha.  There might be a little of the old but don’t be surprised if I am indeed changed and re-vamped. 

Thank you to those of you who have encouraged me to just keep pressing on, for encouraging me to turn to God, for encouraging me to “let the caged tiger out” (LOL) and for loving and caring for the real me.  I know it’s hard sometimes . . . . so Thank you. 

Emptinessnest

12/17/10 That's the day it happens. What it is I have no idea.  This is the first time for me.  I don't know how to describe how I feel.  One moment I can say it will be hard and be calm and collected but then theres the moments when I really feel like the pits.  What will it be like to go back to normal and what is normal anymore and what about them? what will it be like for them?  Will we be forgettable to them?  will they really know the depth of our love for them? 

Today I just hugged and hugged.  I smiled and smiled.  I was goofy.  I wasn't strict.  I let them have snack before dinner.  I let them make a mess of the kitchen and make cookies.  When the youngest pooped his pants I didn't give him the you know better than that kind of speech.  I just cleaned him up and gave him a nice warm bubble bath.

They thanked me.

They told me they loved me.

They called me a friend and the bestest foster parent.

The oldest two wrote me a note.  The oldest said(7) "I like you and love you" and it was folded like a card and hearts were drawn on it.  The second oldest (5)wrote "Will you love other foster kids like us?"  I got thank you out but I couldn't speak through my emotions.  I just hugged them and smiled. 

The oldest usually isn't affectionate as the others but today I can't count the times she came up to me and hugged me.  Then at bed time she had gotten into bed and then when I walked back out she got out of bed and hugged me again and said "I just wanted to hug you again." The days are quickly passing where I won't have those moments anymore.  I won't have the house full, the laundry to do everyday, the boo boos to bandage, the snotty noses, the spats to break up, hearing "Lishy" this and that to the point where I want to change my name, the mess to clean up, the potty training, the tattle tailing, . . . .brushing the hair from the eyes and kissing their forehead, cupping their chins, looking them in the eys, and telling them I love them, snuggles on the couch, praying at bedtime, singing at bed time, tickleing until we're all exhausted, peek a boos, hide and seek, building forts, reading the bible to them, reading books to them, . . . .

What will I do?  How my life has changed or was it my life or my heart that has? and now it breaks.  It hopes, It cries out to God.

Daddy, you know the most how it feels to let go.  Please complete the void with your strength, grace, and love.  Help my Faith to not waiver and faint but to lean on your ever loving and faithful arms.  It's only by your grace that we've made it this far and I am humbled when I say I know I could've done more and better than I did.  I give it up to you because I know that I can't handle it and I don't know what's best.  I praise you, Jesus, for the work you continue to do in me and in them .  Thank you for saving me over and over. Hold me. Amen.